I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
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