I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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