Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
