I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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