so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
