It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
