They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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