I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
