I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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