My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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