I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
