Best friends brother. Beat that.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
