My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
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