I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
