My cat gives me a boner
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
