I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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