for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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