Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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