thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
