I should be sponsored by Trojan
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
