My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
high people should be assigned attendants
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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