so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
