I am spending my child support on dildos
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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