i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
