Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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