Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
