dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
