sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
