I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
