how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
