i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
