Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
