my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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