Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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