I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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