4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
