Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
