I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize