Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
