Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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