ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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