He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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