accomplished twins. life is a go
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
