Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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