I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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