you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
