I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
