I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
