I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
