Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
