I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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