I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
