i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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