So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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