Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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