I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
