there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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